From August until November

Wait... What???

2012-01-25T05:27:00.002-06:00

I am a self-admitting hypochondriac.

Knowing this about myself has led to the opposite of what you might think. I tend to refuse to go to the doctor, or send my children to the doctor. Years can go by without any of us seeing a health care professional. I am not stupid, I know that it is more likely nothing to worry about - but every single ache and pain still tends to lead me to Google. I am the Queen of Self Diagnosis.

When I DO end up going to the doctor, or taking my children to the doctor, the first words out of my mouth are usually "I didn't come here to get medication." I am not a real big believer that medication is the best answer. I'd rather solve the problem then cover it with chemicals. You want to prescribe my kid "the pink stuff"? I don't think so. Give Tylenol for a fever? No thank you. I could go on all day...

Several months ago I got a phone call from a friend who was just returning from a regular appointment with her baby girl. Her pediatrician had just returned from a seminar on a syndrome that involved a bifed uvula and was sending her daughter in for some testing. My friend knew about my son's bifed uvula and wanted to pass on the information. Being the procrastinator, doctor avoiding person that I am - Googled, decided it was nothing, and forgot about it.

Then... I saw something that led me to write this in my journal on November 1, 2011:

"Something is wrong with my son.
I am the type of person that thinks something is horribly wrong with everyone all the time. This awareness about myself usually makes me overcompensate by NOT going to the doctor and NOT taking my children to the doctor... ever. I HATE (yes... I said it... hate...) going to the doctor.
I've made TWO appointments for my child today. One with a pediatrician, who couldn't see him until the 10th, and one with my favorite country doctor who will see him sooner.
I haven't stopped shaking since 10:00 last night. I've bawled. I've felt ill. My jaw hurts from being tense. I feel like I need to vomit/shit/die all day.
If I believed in a Lord, I'd be praying. Hell... I AM praying.
Last night as I sat on my couch - I knew. I was the only one in the world that knew... and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My blood went cold, my hands got hot.... and I knew. My son has a rare condition... a bad one.
I can't speak of it now. I just can't.
I can't... but I am dying on the inside. I have to get my shit together... I have to get my life in order... I have to pull my pants up and DO this thing.
Fuck."

What did I see? A large change in the way his chest was shaped since this summer. Somewhere in my brain I had filed away the other symptoms of this syndrome my friend mentioned to me several months prior. This chest formation was in those symptoms.

I ended up cancelling the Pediatric appointment, and went to my favorite ol' country - no meds if we don't have to - doctor. During this visit, I expected him to calm my nerves and tell me that I should quit with the Google and there was nothing to worry about. Instead - he was very concerned. I was shocked. I was so shocked! To the core. He set up appointments for the University of Iowa. Shocked!

Yesterday morning I wrote this in my journal:

"Today is the Doctor appointment.
Strangely - I feel a tad calmed, relaxed, and... better. Maybe because I am actually on this road to figuring things out? I don't know why, I just know that I am thankful. I was a MESS before. I never want to feel that panicked and out of control again. It was soooooooooooooo horrid.
I haven't said a word to my children, including my son. He thinks he's going because his chest has a bump on it -- and that is true... at least PARTLY true.
Is this the beginning of a different life... or the end to my worry? We shall see."

Heading up to the University of Iowa Hospitals was shit-tay. The weather was nice, and the company (my husband and son) were awesome... but the hospital gives me the shits. Literally. My mother went there. Lots and lots... and the result was death. I do not like it, and even though it looks kinda different - it is still the same. The Children's wing was especially horrid. They do their best, and the hospital is great - but watching "Nemo" on the big screen isn't nearly as fun when you have dying children all around you.

All day long my son was poked, and prodded, and tested. He took it like a champ. The Genetics appointment was very interesting. They took pictures, asked lots and lots of questions, took an extensive family history, measured fingers and toes, and even poked and prodded at my husband and I. As we talked, a nurse typed into the computer, and students came in and looked us over. I was fascinated.

The Geneticist came and sat down, and presented the "score card". He scored some points in other syndromes, including the SCARY one that it was suspected he had... but not high enough for a diagnosis. I was so relieved, I cried. As I was smiling and fighting back tears, she proceeded to tell me that she was diagnosing my son with Elhers-Danlos Syndrome. She suspected my oldest daughter had it too.

I was all, wait...what??

She hadn't even seen my daughter, but with the history and some simple descriptions she was pretty positive. Interesting. I just kept right on smiling (I was still on a high from him not having the other syndrome). I wasn't HAPPY that he had this, and I didn't want them to think I was, so I tried to keep it cool. I was craving more information. I was having withdrawals from Google.

So. Now what? I'm just beginning to learn. Certain odd things that I've noticed about my oldest, and youngest child are starting to make sense. I'm struggling with some guilt over not taking their aches and pains seriously. I'm dipping into some resources to learn how to make their lives a little easier. I am at the foot of this mountain of becoming an Ehlers-Danlos expert, and I have a long ways to climb. The truth is... this is going to suck for him, and I am not happy about that.

But you know what?

I'm still smiling.

It Just Keeps Getting Better...

2011-06-29T01:23:00.002-05:00

I hear all the time from my friends who have younger kids, or from strangers with babies about how they wish they could keep their children little forever. How they wish their babies would stop growing so fast. How they are going to miss that baby stage, toddler age, childhood.

Let me tell you... I thought it too.

But... It doesn't end. You know... that feeling of awe. That overwhelming, heart hurting, feeling of LOVE. That is what I was scared I was going to miss. That sweetness.

This weekend I looked at my sleeping children.

I still feel it.

Even though they are not babies, not toddlers, and barely even children... I still feel it... and it might even be MORE amazing.

I wish I had known that when I was holding my tiny babies. I wish I had known that it only gets better and better.

Schooooolllssssss out for Summmmmerrrrrrrr!!! (An update post)

2011-06-02T23:39:00.001-05:00

Not that I care... much. The only perk for me is that I get to see my lovelies on my lunch break.

Kelsey got her driving permit, and then recently upgraded to a school permit. It was SCARY watching her just.... drive off.... by herself.

Bailey's room is almost gutted, so she's been sleeping in the same room as Teague. They are both sick of it and fight constantly.

All the kids are playing summer ball. We have games almost every single night of the week, usually several in a night.

Today is the 11th anniversary of my miscarriage. I remembered... my cousin remembered...

I could promise to blog more... but I won't... I WANT to...

I'm reading "Jane Eyre" -- I find it very hard to get interested in but am determined to finish it. It is kinda getting good... I'm only on Chapter 5.

I am letting this post to my Facebook again. I wasn't going to have it automatically post there - because I figured if people wanted to read what I had to say they could come HERE... to my blogspot... on their own effort. I don't know why I changed my mind. I might change it back.

I planted my garden. It is growing well.

I've been ill.

2011-01-11T03:21:00.000-06:00

I am still ill. But on the plus side, I've found two new blogs to enjoy! And being the nice person that I am, I'll share them with you.

http://wearetheraddest.blogspot.com/

http://www.reagansblob.com/

And just a reminder... don't forget about Nella! She is turning one this week, so that means I have been reading her blog for an entire year. I love the blog, the pictures, and I have even been secretly stealing her Mama's songs for my own playlist. Turn up your volume, I promise you'll love it.

http://www.kellehampton.com/

I'll take that challenge!

2011-01-02T23:20:00.001-06:00

Some of the blogs I read are doing a January challenge by posting before and after pictures of different things in their home that need organizing. It is suppose to help give motivation to get things done.

So... here it is... Project #1: The downstairs bathroom closet.

BEFORE - I acknowledge the blurry, and apologize for it.

AFTER - Yes. The dogs are now in the closet. Don't judge me.

Well.... there you have it, folks. If I were more organized - I would already know what I am going to tackle next, but if that were the case... I wouldn't have this problem in the first place!

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-21T22:58:00.003-06:00

And all your future lies beneath your hat.

2010-11-08T23:55:00.001-06:00

I haven't blogged my crochet stuff lately. I bet you are wondering what I have been creating.

Nope?

Oh well... I am going to write about it anyway.

And so I present.... "Hats" by Nichole Jarvis:

Cancer totally blows, ya know?

2010-11-04T03:34:00.001-05:00

I am sick of Cancer and all the shiz that comes with it.

I am not easy to get to know. I don't let many people "in" my life - and that includes family. You have to be pretty darn special for me to want to let my guard down enough to let you "in". Sometimes it comes across as stuck up, shy, or even.... dare I type it?.... bitchy. The way I see it, life is short enough - and dealing with other peoples crap isn't my cup of tea. I am giving myself the gift of being able to focus my energy only on the people I love the most.

My entire life I have been dealing with Cancer. I don't have it (yet) - but my mother fought it for my entire life. It haunts me. Cancer is like my black rain cloud that follows cartoon people around on a bad day. It never leaves my brain - and I accidentally associate it with everything. My life would be totally different if Cancer didn't exist - and even though I don't have it (yet), Cancer still eats away at my emotions just as if the actual cells were eating away at my body.

My mother died when I was 15 years old, and now in just 8 short days -- my own daughter will be 15 years old. Now what? I was parented for 15 years, and after that... I was on my own. Literally. I can't imagine my Kelsey being on her own. I now have a different kind of ache. I am aching for that 15 year old girl that I was. That girl breaks my adult heart. I want to move that girl into my house and take care of her. I want to give her a hug. I want to wash her dishes, and fold her laundry.

I'll settle for hugging my Kelsey... washing her dishes, and folding her laundry. That girl has no idea how lucky she is to not have a Mama that is dying.

I am Thankful for You... and You... and You....

2010-10-26T02:54:00.001-05:00

Look at these beautiful ladies!

I really am. Thank you for reading this blog. I am always surprised when people approach me and know something just from reading this. I am grateful you are interested!

I can see the last 10 visits on my blog. I don't know WHO they are - just a general area of WHERE they are.

Thank YOU - Sidney, Ohio! You seem to be a regular visitor of mine... I have a slight thought on who you are.... and I think you were babysitting me when I fell down the stairs and broke my arm when I was 6 years old!

Thank YOU - Mt. Pleasant, Iowa! You could be any one of several people - as my very own hometown shows up as Mt. Pleasant on my Traffic Feed. Hi neighbors!

Thank YOU - Fort Recovery, Ohio! I am sure you are my relation of some kind, since almost ALL my family lives in Ohio. Love ya!

Thank YOU - Greenville, Ohio! I love you, too! Faithful follower of my blog! I would like to think you are the same person I spent every summer with when I was younger! A blog about YOU (Uncle Dale) will surely be written soon!

Thank YOU - Altoona, Iowa! Whomever you are! (I have no idea...)

Thank YOU - Fountain, Colorado! This is a random visit... I think.....

These are just the visits that are on my feed currently - it changes regularly.... which STILL amazes me. Thank YOU for stopping by!

1/2

2010-08-10T23:42:00.001-05:00

My mother passed away fifteen years ago this month. That is half of my life ago.

I have been without my mother for HALF of my life!!!

I don't like it.

I can't believe it.

It pisses me off.

I refuse to post pics of death, dying, or gravestones. I will - however - post newly found (old) pictures of life, love, and happiness:

I will also refer you to some (a few) past blogs about my mother:

http://nicholejarvis.blogspot.com/2009/05/thursday.html

http://nicholejarvis.blogspot.com/2009/05/another-writing-by-my-mother.html

http://nicholejarvis.blogspot.com/2009/05/saturday_10.html

http://nicholejarvis.blogspot.com/2009/05/happy-mothers-day.html

http://nicholejarvis.blogspot.com/2009/05/i-dont-feel-good.html#comments

http://nicholejarvis.blogspot.com/2009/07/monday-july-6-2009.html

ENJOY! Feel free to keep reading around this blog - it is FULL of my MAMA! If you leave this blog just remembering a little piece of her - of learning something new about her - or of just knowing how much we MISS her - I have done my part at keeping my Mama alive in this world.

I suck...

2010-08-05T11:03:00.001-05:00

Obviously I haven't blogged for awhile.

I write things -- I am just WAY lazy, and never type them out and post them. I am blaming my computer (it couldn't be MY fault!) because the capital "o" key only works when the caps lock button is in effect. I find it highly annoying.

My summer has consisted of nothing. Except that CANCER might have finally found my hiding place, and is inching closer and closer to get its greasy paws on me. Seriously - since before my birth - this disease has consumed my thoughts, taken my mother, and therefor - ruined my life. I have tried to stay on the DL - and avoid it as much as possible.

Don't get yourself all worked up.... I don't have cancer... yet.

In my last post I talked of my ladies:

JANET - a long time bestie, knew me when I was a little girl, and loved my mother.

TRACY - a new friend, fun, and loves my kids.

APRIL - grew up like a sister to my husband, co-worker, and fellow busy mom.

Cancer has recently entered their lives - taken hold of them in different ways, and has left them feeling this.... ICK feeling that I have had for my entire life.

What do I do.... ? When the going gets tough... I hide.

I will not go into details on this personal fight my lady friends have gone through, or are still going through. This blog isn't about that - but more my acknowledgment of my lack of presence.

My confession of feeling guilty.

My admission that I am a wimp.

My thoughts have always been consumed by the fear of ME or MY CHILDREN getting sick. I have tried to avoid the whole "cancer scene" as much as I can.... for my own mental health.

The result??? I suck at being a friend.

It isn't ALL bad....

2010-05-13T16:37:00.000-05:00

I sure do blog about sad and depressing stuff. I have heard from several people that I tend to make them cry when they read my blog. SHAME ON ME!!! I am actually a fun person!

I have been blessed with THREE very best friends. They are my family - and we DO have fun! These gals have entered my life at various times and for various reasons.

So... what do we actually DO that is fun??? Well..... we do the normal "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" stuff!

We do each other's hair, and love on our "Ma"....

We play games, and have sleep-overs....

We go out and meet interesting new people....

Our husbands think they are brothers, and we let them believe it....

Sometimes we get dressed up, and go out on the town....

Other times we DON'T get dressed up and STILL go out on the town....

We get along with each other's husbands....

Golfing can be fun....

Sometimes we even like other people....

With all my family living so far away - I sure am lucky to have these wonderful ladies in my life....

I love em'!

2010-04-27T16:06:00.000-05:00

I stopped this blog from automatically posting to my Facebook.

I don't want my thoughts or opinions to appear forced on anyone. If a person CHOOSES to visit this blog - that will be on their own effort. I will continue to write about my feelings, and my experiences. I do not expect anyone to relate, or even understand me. I write for me.

That being said... I feel lonely.

Which is normal, I think. Everybody has their moments of loneliness, even when they are surrounded by friends and family. People fear being alone - that is why it brings on such... sad?... feelings. I read somewhere that loneliness is biologically planted in order to keep us in packs. Humans live in tribes, communities. We tend to surround ourselves with people that we have things in common with. Everybody can pat each other on the back and say, "I agree!", and "You are so right and SMART!" or any other ego-boosting phrases. I guess that is what sends people to church, and causes them to be rely on their religion. People CRAVE acceptance, whether they want to believe it or not.

Facebook is a great sociology experiment. I have witnessed people, that claim to be Christians, show complete hatred in their words - with the overused verse of "I am sorry, this is my opinion." perfectly placed in the comment. Facebook gives people the freedom to throw words out that they normally wouldn't say in person. Written words are a tricky thing, as they can be perceived in so many different ways.

I deleted my last post. I am sure my regular readers noticed. Honestly - I am partly ashamed that I even wrote it. I try to live my life avoiding HATE. I take that word seriously, and in a world where it is thrown around without thought, I struggle to teach my children the seriousness of that word. I did not like the feeling that I had in my gut that day. It was awful, and it made me physically ill.

All I can do in this world is be true to myself, and my views on life. I didn't delete it because I was afraid to offend anyone - I deleted it because I offended myself. We are all learning everyday how to be the person we want to be. It never ends... I evolve my thoughts everyday.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." -- Charles Darwin

I Talk About You Behind Your Back.

2010-04-12T23:10:00.001-05:00

I really do.

Late at night, while my children are sleeping - my husband and I converse about our day, our thoughts, and we also talk about... people.

WHAT!?!

Yes.

We talk about people behind their back.

I enjoy these conversations. We sit and talk out what we LIKE about another couple's parenting technique, or what we DON'T like about it. How we might do it differently, or what we might change about the way we already do things.

We talk about remembering what it was like when we had our toddlers, and how HARD life really was in the beginning.

In the beginning of our life together, we had it fairly rough.

I met Dirk when I was 14 years old. The age our daughter is now. It was during a football game, and I was sorta-kinda dating (I know, right?) his younger brother. I'll never forget it - because it all started out so... strange. Dirk called me over to where he was standing to ask me about my friend, and the rest, as they say - is history.

We "dated" - (I say that because I really wasn't ALLOWED to date) - for several months. I turned 15 during that time, and we were happy. We had fun. Dirk was my distraction from a very, very sad home. My mother was dying, and I was rebelling. My rebellion didn't come with drinking, or doing drugs - not at ALL. My rebellion came with... EEEEK... (sex). Not promiscuous sex, but the finding LOVE kind. I wanted to be in LOVE.

And I was.

I was in love with the idea of being taken care of, in love with the possibility of not having to be ALONE after my mother died, and in love with being with somebody that LOVED me so openly, and deeply - the way Dirk did.

Before I even had time to breath -- I was moving into my own house with my new baby, and my soon-to-be husband.

All of this came with things I had never even thought of before:
Mortgage
Water bill
Electric bill
Car insurance
House insurance
Property taxes
FOOD
DIAPERS
CLOTHING
THE LIST GETS BIGGER...

We did without cable and a phone for YEARS -- and sometimes our baby wore cloth diapers.

It was hard. Very, VERY hard.

And....

We were happy, the majority of the time. We had our struggles - of course - but we had our babies - and we enjoyed them.

Sometime during all that chaos - I realized something. I was IN LOVE. I wasn't in love with an idea, or a possibility, or even because I received love. I was in LOVE with Dirk.

We trudged through our little life, with our little family, in our little house - TOGETHER. We enforced our rules, our techniques, and our beliefs - TOGETHER.

We DID struggle. We ALMOST didn't make it... but this entire time... all I have really ever had - was him.

So - I am starting to reach this time in my life when I can sit back and reflect on things. I can breath a little. My husband and I lay in bed - after our kids are tucked away in their rooms - and talk about us - and what we did RIGHT, what we did WRONG - and how we are going to do things in the future.

OUR future - the one I get to have with this boy - that I met, years ago - during a high school football game.

Spring 2010

2010-04-05T15:41:00.007-05:00

This is why I love you...

2010-03-25T01:23:00.000-05:00

To my Bailey Kora,

Twelve years ago you entered this world, and my heart. The night before you were born you kept me up all night, quietly preparing yourself. Later in the morning, during a scheduled appointment - the doctor revealed your little secret. You were already halfway here - giving me little time to prepare.

I guess you decided that since the cat was already out of the bag, you might as well let yourself be known - and that you did! After a mere five hours of the worst labor I could imagine - you came SCREAMING into this world, pulling your own hair.

You are still such a quiet, secretive soul, that is - until YOU decide the time is right to make your dramatic appearance.

This is why I love you...

-You are a perfect little sister. You do everything little sisters are supposed to do. You annoy, pick, and tattle. You adore, follow, and copy. You can carry on a conversation with your big sister - and talk about the big dreams you have. I love that you have a big sister - just like I did.

-You are a perfect BIG sister. You play, protect, and hover. You tease, run, and slam the door to keep a little brother out. If somebody were to pick on him - you are the first to call them out on it. You watch him from afar, and I know it will be tough for you to leave him behind when you move on to Junior High next year. I love that you get to be a big sister - something that I will never know.

-You love your daddy SO much. When he asks for help to do the WORST chores - you are the first to go with him. You never even doubt that you should still be able to sit in his lap, and do daily. If someone were to laugh at his snoring, or scream at him to stop - you are the first to remind them that it isn't very nice.

-You love animals. You are kind to them, and think of them when nobody else does - even going as far as buying special "turkey" flavored cat/dog food for Thanksgiving.

-You trust me. You tell me your secrets, and I tell you mine. You and I had a bond from the moment MY SCREAMS became OUR SCREAMS in the second of your birth. You are wise, and I can tell. Once, while we were driving in a car - just the two of us, we both saw a girl that sometimes isn't very nice to you. Neither one of us said anything for awhile, lost in our own thoughts. All of a sudden you said, "Mom, you know - we should always hope the best for people." In that moment - I knew. I knew you were good in your soul. Good in your bones. I felt it, and I felt... proud.

-Your beauty. I look in your face, and I see my mother. You are the ONLY one - my baby girl - out of her four children, ten grandchildren, and one great grandchild, that gets to look like her. And you are mine.

There are so many more reasons WHY I love you - I could go on and on. So to my precious middle child, youngest daughter, big sister, little sister, Daddy's girl, kind-hearted, beauty --- just know this. I love you because you are YOU.

Happy Birthday. Love, Mom.

Boring ol' Crochet Post....

2010-01-22T02:35:00.000-06:00

I started a project for myself. I have TONS of Crochet magazines that I all I do is stare at. I have hopes of making things in them... I just never DO.

SOOOOOOOO....

I have decided that I will make EVERYTHING that I CAN make out of every single one of my magazines before I allow myself to buy another. I have to do it IN ORDER - no skipping!

This is the first project:

Not my favorite thing I have made - but it was the FIRST one on the FIRST magazine, and I finished it. Not sure what I will do with it - it isn't really my style, or my favorite colors.

Maybe I could say it was..... up for grabs???

Say a little Prayer....

2010-01-07T14:34:00.003-06:00

Yeah I said it...

I have that song stuck in my head.

"The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you..."

Since coming out of my "atheist closet" - I have been in several situations where people have prayed. I FEEL the uncomfortableness of the people that know I am atheist during these moments, I FEEL them wondering what I will do. I - myself - do not feel uncomfortable AT ALL when other people pray. I do not feel uncomfortable during a serman. I do not feel uncomfortable when people "thank God".... or "thank Jesus".

Soooooo...... RELAX..... because:

"Forever, and ever, you'll stay in my heart, and I'll love you
Forever, and ever, we never will part, oh I love you
Together, forever, that's how it should be..."

I like that song!

Owls

2009-12-29T03:18:00.000-06:00

Otherwise known as......

Hooters.

Have you blogged lately?

2009-12-28T01:28:00.000-06:00

A question I hear quite regularly from family and friends.

Obviously - I haven't.

I wanted to re-read my blogs before starting back up. I wanted to double check to see if I may have offended anybody specific. I was told something that made me want to stop blogging forever.... my heart wasn't in it anymore. After reviewing my archives - I couldn't find what this person had suggested. SOOOOOO...... I guess I should feel... better? I don't. I feel.... confused...

I have this blog for me... not for anyone else. It just happens to be public. A way to work out my emotions - and my thoughts.

Moving on...................

Tis' the season.... for Jesus. I guess. Let me start out with a little story about my daughter's Christmas concert....

The holiday's bring Christmas carols - both featuring Santa, and Jesus. I love the music- and the joy it brings to people who sing it, and hear it. My daughter's concert was no different from any other school concert I had been to. They sang a variety of GOOD songs.... but.... at the end... of the program..... a boy dressed as a shepherd, and a girl dressed as an angel came out and recited a verse.
I was offended.

WHY... are you asking WHY???? I LOVE this question.

I - myself - LOVED the songs - ... even the "religious" ones they sang. A song is a song - I listened to stories about Santa in songs - and I could just as easily listen to stories about Jesus in songs. I find Jesus's story VERY interesting. My belief is that it is just that.... a story. I respect people who accept Jesus into their life. I can't prove it right - and I can't prove it wrong. We are both right - in our own minds. I love that about the world. THIS is my issue.... Our public schools are for all children, whether Catholic, Baptist, Quaker, Atheist, Buddhist, Jewish, Agnostic. The schools are supported by all taxpayers, including me (an Atheist). It is the PARENTS duty to instill religious beliefs - not public schools.

I don't want to have to worry about my children getting "taught" something that I might not feel is fact. Just as... I assume... Christians would not want their children "taught" the theory of evolution as though it were fact.

Enough on this for now...

This makes me happy....

2009-11-25T15:33:00.004-06:00

Wouldn't it you!?

I love her!

I also love remembering my Mom on Thanksgiving by making her delicious pumpkin roll recipe. We make several rolls every Thanksgiving. It is super easy, and WONDERFUL!

I'll be nice and share:

PUMPKIN ROLL by BETTY LOOKER

3 eggs 2 T cinnamon
1 C sugar 1 T ginger
2/3 C pumpkin 1 T nutmeg
1 t lemon juice 1/2 t salt
3/4 C flour 1 C walnut (optional)

Beat eggs high speed for 5 minutes. beat in sugar slowly. Mix pumpkin, lemon juice then dry ingredients. Spread in well greased, floured cookie sheet. Bake 375 degrees for 15 minutes. Roll out on powdered sugar towel to cool.

MIDDLE MIXTURE

1 C powdered sugar
8 oz cream cheese
4 T margarine
1/2 t vanilla

Beat until smooth and spread on the cake mixture. Do not spread out to the ends. Re-roll the cake mixture and wrap in aluminum foil and set in refrigerator to set up before cutting.

Yep - I am a chicken.

2009-11-23T03:10:00.000-06:00

I worry about creating drama, and ruffling feathers.

I care about what people think of me.

I wish I didn't! Do you know how many blogs I have written that will NEVER be published because I am afraid of what others might think!? TWENTY! 2-0!

I almost pushed the "post blog" button on one today.

ALMOST.

A topic that is QUITE debatable, and emotional for many people. Someday, maybe. Maybe not.

What happened to the the nice, quiet - take a picture blog? I'll go do that now.....

Isn't it great when you catch your kids accidentally showing affection towards each other? It seems like such a rare occasion after they reach a certain age.

MY kids love each other in a "lets fight constantly to annoy mom" way.

The other day, my oldest (14) and my youngest (8), were snoozing in the backseat. My youngest was upset because his stomach hurt - and my oldest was trying to sooth him. After we arrived at our destination, I turned to wake them up - and saw them holding hands.

It melted me.

Chuck the Truck

2009-11-19T21:39:00.000-06:00

After Dan the Van died, we needed another vehicle. Something to haul wood in, and get me to work. It didn't need to be anything fancy - and I couldn't bring myself to spend much on something that would be driven a total of 10 miles a week.

Somehow, and I am not even sure how, a truck fell into our laps. It was Dirk's brother's truck - which he didn't need anymore. It is old, and ugly. It is loud, and temperamental about starting up. Sometimes it dies at random moments while it is driving down the street, and people actually laugh when they see me driving it.

I like it.

You wanna know why????

It serves the purpose - and it was CHEAP.

I am going to drive that thing until it can't be driven any longer - just like I did Dan the Van. It just makes sense to me.

And you wanna know what????

I honestly find it annoying when people name their vehicles. So the truck.....
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WILL NOT BE NAMED CHUCK!!!

I like to pat my own back....

2009-11-18T22:43:00.000-06:00

I also like to toot my own horn...

I am getting good at crochet. Last night I was making blocks for a crochet quilt. I was using an intricate stitch, and doing it very fast - all without a pattern.

I am whipping this stuff out! In the past two weeks I have made three hats, a stuffed toy, and half a quilt.

Sooooo... at the risk of sounding religious (because I am NOT), I think I'll admit that I like to sing my own praises too!

It. Is. Raining.

2009-11-17T21:37:00.001-06:00

It has rained non-stop for the past three days. All my facebook friends are complaining about it. All my City Hall customers come in complaining about it. Even my DOGS complain about it.

I LIKE it.

It suits my mood.

Last night I dreamt about high school graduation. I rarely dream of THAT part of my past. While I slept I actually felt what I must have felt during that time. I woke up feeling alone, and sad.

Growing up, I had 3 cousins that were the exact same age as me. During our childhood we planned out our joint graduation party, just like the one my sister and two of her cousins had. Ours, of course, would be BIGGER and BETTER. It would be held at the Eagles Club (in Ohio) and we would have a band, and dancing, and a BIG cake with all FOUR of our names on it. Grandma would make her cookies, and we would have hamburgers for EVERYONE - nobody would have to eat a hot dog if they didn't want to!

It was going to be great....

My ACTUAL graduation day/party went like this:

I woke up to a crying newborn, and a screaming toddler. I managed to get them ready, and me ready in a decent amount of time, and had my husband drive me to the school that I hadn't stepped foot in for months. Upon arrival, I hurriedly put on my cap and gown - so my leaking breast milk wouldn't show - and stood in the line, waiting to be seated.
The rest was a blur of not remembering - and ended with me releasing a balloon into the sky to represent.... something... but actually resulted in causing my toddler to be upset that she didn't get to keep the balloon.
I ran to my car as soon as I saw an opportunity, still wearing the cap and gown. I remembering thinking - "these kids don't have a CLUE to what is important in life".

I actually had a pretty good showing at my party. My sisters planned it well. It was held in my house - meaning MY house, not my parents house. Not one of my friends showed up, nor any of their parents- and not even any of my peers. The family that came wasn't even my blood related family - it was my mother's first husbands family, and my husband's family. It was stressful - and I was glad when it was over.

Did I mention I HATE it when I come across a picture of that day?

Anyway - its raining.

AND....

I like it.

Back to square one?

2009-11-16T22:48:00.001-06:00

My goal was to take one picture everyday - and write about it. Lets try this again!

We have mice. Not A mouse - but MICE! In the midst of my "before holiday deep cleaning" I took the vents out of the floors and stuck my vacuum down in them to get all the dust out. What I discovered was mouse poop. Lots of it. EEEEEEK!

My husband was cutting wood at the time - and I called him home for this emergency. Apparently the "vent" that I was cleaning out, wasn't a vent at all. It was some sort of something else mysterious to me - that I still don't understand. Something to do with big old houses. I now call it the "Highway to Mice Hell"

In the one week that we have had traps set in this thing - we have caught TWO mice. One HUGE one - and one regular sized one. BUT......... BUT...... the MICE have been EATING the peanut butter off the traps without getting caught!!!!!!!!!!

WHY???????????

I need a cat. Badly.

Inspire Me.

2009-11-10T03:42:00.001-06:00

Or don't.

I tend to get inspired by SAD, DEPRESSING stuff - if you can't tell by now. Anything that I have written that is even slightly creative, or interesting - is about something sad or depressing. Even the blogs that I read regularly were rooted by something sad.

I am trying, with ALL I HAVE IN ME, not to fall into this winter depression that is looming over my head.

I am trying.

And failing.

Fatty, Fatty, Two by Four - Can't Fit Through the Bathroom Door

2009-10-28T06:13:00.000-05:00

I just found out that I am fat.

This isn't something people usually talk about, so if I make you feel uncomfortable - I am sorry.

I guess I kinda knew I was fat - It just never bothered me. I would joke with my cousins, or my friends about big butts or call myself phat, but I had never been insulted by anyone about my weight before.

I grew up skinny. I was skinny until I had my last baby - and the weight just kinda crept up on me after that. I sort of tried to lose weight a time or two - even going as far as getting a prescription for some weight loss drug. I never stuck with anything, because I simply didn't care enough. My husband loved me, my kids loved me, and my friends loved me.

I know I blogged about my depression before - so it isn't news to anyone. My depression sort of took a front seat to anything else I had to deal with inside myself. It took all my concentration. How could I concentrate on getting my body healthy if my brain wasn't healthy? I couldn't even begin to try to care about weight. As long as it wasn't hindering my ability to do anything - or interfering in my life, I wouldn't notice it.

Then along comes a cop.

Yesterday, I got pulled over for speeding. I had my children in the car, and while waiting for the cop to come knock on the window - I was explaining to them that I WAS speeding, so I deserved the ticket.

To make a LONG story short - the cop insulted me by saying that he didn't think I was Nichole Jarvis because I was fat. WHAT!? YES! He said it. He thought I was lying about my identity because my drivers license didn't match the fat girl standing in front of him. WHAT!? He went on to tell me what could happen to me if he found out I was lying, and that I would go to prison - SCARING THE HECK out of my kids.

At the end of our conversation, he said - "I didn't mean to offend you, I was just stating a fact", WHAT!? That doesn't make it all better! I was mortified. Not REALLY because he called me fat - but because he didn't have the decency to do it privately.

Most of you would think it was embarrassing to admit... and would think it was something I should keep to myself. BUT NO!!!! Fat girls deserve respect too!

If you know me at all, you know that I am BIG on teaching my children respect. I preach it to them ALL THE TIME. It makes it very hard to teach them exactly what respecting somebody means, when another adult disrespects me right in front of them.

And I STILL got the $73 ticket...

RIP...... Dan the Van

2009-10-26T22:36:00.000-05:00

Is it weird to be emotionally attached to a vehicle?

My van is done. It provided me with years of transportation... and for that, I am thankful.

As I have mentioned in an earlier post (my very FIRST post), this van was given to me when my step-dad died. He bought it for the sole purpose of spending time with family, and chose this particular van because it was my mom's favorite color, green.

Many, many shopping trips were made in this van. We would squeeze as many people in it as we could, and take off to shop in Iowa City.

Those of you who knew Joe, know that he liked to take his time. This included our shopping trips. We knew it was going to be an ALL DAY thing with him, and we all looked forward to it. The drive there always included soothing our babies, and quieting our toddlers... and Joe never minded the chaos.

The van also carried us to visit family, and when Joe died - it carried us all to his memorial and funeral.

Is it weird that I felt a pang of sadness when I overheard my husband talking about giving it to his brother for scrap metal? Is it weird that I was mad when I saw that he had pushed it across our yard using the truck, creating a huge dent in the back? It is, after all, MY van. The ONLY thing that I had from Joe.

Yes. It is weird.

Random selection #2

2009-10-08T07:02:00.000-05:00

August 17, 1996 - My wedding day.

When I first saw this picture - I was disappointed that I had picked it. It didn't seem like anything really to blog about. But then......

Then I started looking at the PEOPLE that are in it.

I spy with my little eye....

Joe - my step dad. I have blogged about him several times, and If you have read through my archives, I am sure you know how much he means to me.

Chad & Lee - my twin cousins from Ohio. I was married on their birthday - and their Dad's birthday. These little guys are so special to me. They were the FIRST set of cousins that I can remember being BORN, so I have memories of them for their entire life. I also lived with them when they were babies/toddlers. Now they are grown, married men. Both are TALL and HANDSOME.

Aunt DeeDee - my mother's sister. This picture is of the back of her head - but I KNOW it is her. My mother had MANY siblings - and my Aunt DeeDee is one of the sisters she was closest with. I was always envious of her LONG hair, and her happy laugh. I tried to laugh like her when I was little - but could never pull it off.

Lisa - my maid-of-honor. We had been best friends since the 2nd grade. All of my Iowa childhood memories have her in it. We had crazy imaginations- and hoped to be able to raise our children together. Our dream came true in our little girls, Bailey and Taylor, who are in the 6th grade together.

NayNay - she is my husbands cousin. My sister and her had been very close when my mom was alive. My mother loved her. I am glad she is my family now.

Lonnie & Sandy - also my husbands cousins. We now live in the house that they raised their family in.

The church in the background was the church that my mother taught pre-school in. The room still had signs that she had made - and ideas that she had created. As I was slipping on my wedding dress that day - I was totally aware that she had touched almost everything in that room.

In those days - I might not have even known how important these people were. I think I knew I loved them. I know now - for certain - that I do.

Gettin' back into the swing of things...

2009-10-07T01:09:00.002-05:00

Okay.

I am back.

Kinda.

Sorta.

I am not ready to start digging down deep into my soul to start REALLY writing again. But... I am ready to start dipping my toes into it. This week I will be posting a random picture - very random, so random that I am actually closing my eyes and picking a picture without even looking at it first - and will write about it. I am excited for this! It gives me a chance to think about that particular day- and try to get creative again.

Picture #1 is.........

Hmmmmm......

My sister, Lori - holding my daughter, Kelsey.

This picture was taken ALMOST 14 years ago. Kelsey must have been under 2 months old. It was in the living room of the house we lived in when my mother died. The furniture is arranged exactly the same way she had arranged it, except SEVERAL of the decorations are missing. It could have been for two reasons - Joe (my step-dad) was packing up to move, OR because my aunts had cleared everything out after the funeral.

(the latter is true)

This picture reminds me of how much Joe stepped up, and became a parent to us after our mother died. While she was alive - Joe knew his boundaries, and although we were close to him, we became MUCH closer to him after her death.

Aunt Lori loved her little baby Kelsey. This was (and IS) true. I have several pictures of the two of them together. Good memories.

2009-08-26T20:26:00.000-05:00

HELLO! You may have noticed I kinda stopped blogging. So much for my "daily" project... huh? I am taking a little thinkingaboutmylifeandwonderinghowtoreachgoals break. I'll be back soon.

Wednesday's Craft

2009-08-12T03:40:00.000-05:00

The directions to making the plastic bags into "crochet string" - once you have a ball of "plarn" you can use any pattern to make... whatever. I have found that a size "J" or "K" hook works best, although I have used a smaller hook - and it works fine too. The pictures are not the best quality - and I apologize for that.

First you flatten out a regular plastic grocery sack:

And then fold it in half:

And fold it in half AGAIN:

Cut of the bottom (glued part) and the handles:

Cut into one inch strips:

Unfold the strips - and loop them all together:

Roll into a ball.... TA DA- Plarn!

You can use any pattern... but there are many free patterns online. Try googling "Plarn Patterns":

Tuesday - August 11, 2009

2009-08-11T03:10:00.000-05:00

I am tired... so I am going to post a blog that my niece, Brooke, wrote ABOUT me. (I did edit out some of the more.... private lines)

No, she didn't give birth to me, and no i don't live with her. In fact we live 45 minutes away from each other yet she is the person who i trust the most and therefore knows the most about me. Marriage, babies, piercings, and tattoos, we discuss it all. She may be 12 years older then me but when anything exciting happens to me she's the first person I want to tell. I respect her and look up to her more then anyone. The fact that she was not only married but had a little baby Kelsey by the time she was my age still amazes me. Whenever I go to her house, which is often, I feel wanted and welcome. She's the first person who's realized that if you treat me like an adult the more I'll act like one and respect the rules and boundaries that are given to me. A lot of my best and most memorable moments have happened at her house or under her supervision. I remember one time when i was 12 it was Spring Break at my school and it was one of the first times I stayed at her house and I went out to Iowa City with an older cousin and we thought it'd be cool to get our belly buttons pierced. So we did and Niki found out the next day. She knew I loved it and would be super pissed if she made me take it out but looking back on it she made the right decision and had me take it out. (so my dad wouldn't get mad and say I couldn't stay with her anymore) Kelsey, Bailey, and Teague have become so much more then cousins to me. Kelsey just recently said that I'm like an older sister to her. Thank you Selby!!! (Nichole)

It felt nice to have her write to me.... I love her.

Monday, August 10, 2009

2009-08-10T21:47:00.001-05:00

I worked 15 hours today. Usually on these kind of days, I refer you to something I enjoy reading - such as my cousin's blog (her blog on the yard sales is lovely). Today I am going to give myself a pat on the back - and ask that you go back and read some of my early blogs - the month of May was a good blog month for me, if I do say so myself.

Just go to the blog archives - and click away.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

2009-08-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

Slept in until 9AM

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"Rested" on the couch until 10:30AM

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Ate food that Mutt cooked

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Took a nap

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Ate food that Mutt cooked

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Watched a movie

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Never changed out of my pajamas

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I like it

Set Aside Saturday

2009-08-08T09:54:00.001-05:00

Kelsey got her "boot" off - and only limps a tiny amount.
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I had several interesting "moving" dreams... and I liked them.

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I talked to my sister.

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I got ONE kid's (Teague) school supplies bought.
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Short Set Aside Saturday.... because this is the anniversary of my mother's death. It doesn't make me any LESS happy about the small things - I just thought I should mention it. Many of my blogs are about her - and even the title has THIS month in it. I wonder what little things made my mom happy? I think I know a few:

Kenny Rogers.
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Babies that sucked their thumbs.

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Talking on the phone with her sisters :)

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Ellen Meek.

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Bowling.

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Ohio vacations.

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Ohio visitors.

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Lawrence Silas Salyer.

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Tamera Aileen Salyer.
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Loretta Kay Salyer.

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Nichole Creager.

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Friday - August 7, 2009

2009-08-07T21:23:00.000-05:00

While we were on our "mini vacation" to St. Louis - we went to the Budweiser Brewery. We have gone every year for the past 12 years, and Dirk can probably give the tour himself. This year - I handed Bailey the camera and told her to take the pictures the entire tour... and she was HAPPY to do so.

Here are a few of my favorites... she did a GOOD JOB! (and she loved the flowers, just like me)

Thursday- August 6, 2009

2009-08-06T08:44:00.001-05:00

This blog has strayed from what I originally intended it to be.

It started off as a "daily picture blog".... where I would take a picture of something on THAT day- and write about it. I went back and read some of my early blogs... I liked them. Just little snippets of what was going on that day. My very first one about my van.... painting the bathroom... Bailey's dolls looking out the window.... they were good.

How interesting that it has evolved into this... kind of.... diary. I find it therapeutic, and this blog has actually became a tool to figuring things out. I could do the exact same thing in a journal that I keep under my bed. Sometimes I am SURPRISED when people come up to me and comment about what they have read. I forget that you are out there. People read this. I am glad.

Thank you.

8/5/2009 - Wednesday's Craft

2009-08-05T03:34:00.000-05:00

Ummmmmm......

Not much progress. It was a BUSY week! But this motivates me...

Sorry about the picture being blurry.... I had my daughter take a picture of it with her cell phone - and email it to me:)

8/4/2009 - When I grew up...

2009-08-04T01:23:00.002-05:00

There is ONE moment in my life when I knew I had become a grown up. It wasn't when my mother died, or when I gave birth to my daughter. It was before that.

I was a freshman in high school - and pregnant - but only JUST pregnant. My mother had just started to FEEL the effects of the cancer, or the chemo. Before this - she felt, looked, and acted fine. By this time, EVERYONE knew I was pregnant, including all my teachers.

I was working really hard at keeping my head up. Although, the students didn't judge me much at this point (they did later) - the teachers did. There were only a few classes that I actually felt comfortable in. My morning class was the MOST uncomfortable.

I had never been late to school - even with the morning sickness, I was NEVER late. Other kids were late, and I was use to hearing the criticism from my morning teacher as she opened the door - told the kid to get a late pass - gave her "late speech" - and moved on with her lesson.

One morning I was just getting ready to catch the bus when I heard my mom start with the dry heaves while sitting in her chair. She looked soooo tired. I ran to get her a bucket. As she was vomiting - I remembered that she had always brought me a cold washcloth and a glass of water when I was sick. I went to get those things for her. The bus came and went.

I sat with my mother - just her and I - while she vomited. I urged her to drink some water, while I swabbed her forehead with the cool cloth. She sat back in her chair, smiled at me, and told me that she felt better. I made sure she was all settled, had everything she needed, and then called a friend for a ride to school.

I was late.

As I walked down the hall, I stopped by the office to get my late slip so I could avoid that part of the "late speech" I was SURE I was getting. I prepared myself for it- and was ready to get it over with.

The classroom door was locked. I tried it again. Locked. With my heart racing, I got the courage to knock. The door opened - and the teacher slipped out. I opened my mouth to explain, but she wasn't going to listen - instead she said this: "How DARE you interrupt MY class. I will not give you special treatment just because of YOUR CONDITION!" Then she slammed the door and re-locked it.

I was standing there in shock. I didn't think I was asking for special treatment, and this had nothing to do with my condition. I was mad. I was really, really mad. I marched to the office, and sat there until it was time for my next class. While I was sitting, I realized that I did the right thing. I stayed and helped my dying mother. I wouldn't have changed my decision.

From that day on - I never felt like a child again. I don't know why it changed me like that, it just did.

8/3/2009 - Bad Parenting #2

2009-08-03T22:33:00.002-05:00

August 2001 - Newborn baby Teague.

A breastfed baby - with the breastfed baby poo. You know the kind (maybe you don't) - yellow, runny, and ALWAYS up the back of their clothes?

Being our 3rd child, we were accustomed to giving Teague a bath by taking a shower with him. Some of you may think this is awful - we thought it was normal. One evening - right after his "shower"- he pooped, right up his back and in his hair. He needed more then mere baby wipes (which we didn't use either - wash clothes worked just as good).

Sore from my C-section, I opted for rinsing him off in the bathroom sink. I was slightly distracted by the overly helpful 5 year old, the not-so helpful 3 year old, and the flailing poo covered newborn, that I didn't check the temperature of the water. I burned him. My newborn screamed, and I had burned him.

He was only in the water for less then a second - and his skin only turned a slight pink - but I had burned him. I was shaking, and crying, and I passed this screaming, poo-covered baby to my husband. I felt horrible. By the time I calmed down, Teague was cleaned up - smelling good, and ready to nurse, with ZERO signs of being burned. (I had imagined horrible blisters, with disfiguring scars.)

8/2/2009 - Sleepy Sunday

2009-08-02T13:07:00.002-05:00

Planning on SLEEPING today...

Enjoy some of these pictures from the City Museum.

Set Aside Saturday

2009-08-01T11:51:00.000-05:00

Can't you just SEE the happiness on his face? I can, and it makes ME happy!

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Spending quality time with my entire family.

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Coming home to a clean house, and supper on the table every night.

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Talked to my sister on the phone.

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Having a NICE dinner - and seeing my kids try new foods.

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My two little ones fighting over who gets to hold my hand.

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Our hotel was located beside a vegetable garden.... IN the CITY!

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Finding something different to do in St. Louis.

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It wasn't too hot.

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It wasn't too cold.

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Being able to ride the roller coasters.

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Being able to get over my anxiety about letting the kids climb on what appeared to be dangerous things at the City Museum.

7/31/2009 - Mini Vacation

2009-07-31T23:29:00.001-05:00

We got up early today so we could squeeze in time to see the Arch before heading to Six Flags. Six Flags was an all day thing, of course. We entered the park with just ourselves, and what little items we could fit in our pockets - so a camera didn't make the cut. The less stuff you have to haul around in those places, the better.

7/30/2009 - Mini Vacation

2009-07-30T22:40:00.002-05:00

This is what my backseat looks like when we are headed to St. Louis for a mini vacation. It is a trip we make at least once a year, and it only takes 3 hours to get there.

What does your family do in the car for trips?

We don't watch DVDs - nothing wrong with it, we actually own one of those players.

We SING, or READ, or CRAFT, or SLEEP.

7/29/2009 - Wednesday's Craft

2009-07-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

Our town grocery store sometimes uses the clear and green bags..... I like it.

New pattern... going to try to make plastic flowers to attach to the nice white and green background.

(I know I need to shampoo my carpets...)

7/28/09 - Bad Parenting Moments

2009-07-29T21:21:00.000-05:00

I have had to call Poison Control TWO times in my parenting life.....

It was mushroom season, 1998. Two year old Kelsey was just old enough to go with her daddy in the woods to look for (in my opinion) those gross morel mushrooms. She enjoyed this time, and she also enjoyed eating her (cooked) finds.

One morning, Kelsey was sitting on the porch - chewing on something. I asked her, she wouldn't tell me. I pried her mouth open and pulled out bits and pieces of a white spongy material. Toad Stools. We had an old tree that constantly grew these huge toad stools under it.

Syrup of Ipecac... vomit all day.

The OTHER time also involved KELSEY. Just a few months after the toad stool incident. Our Bailey was several months old, and was sick. She was always sick. The doctor had us giving her some sort of suppository, and because of this.... Kelsey ended up eating an entire (big) tube of K-Y Jelly.

Red-faced, I called Poison Control (again).... and needlessly explained why we had the economy sized tube of K-Y Jelly, told them what my two year old had done, and waited for the laughter. He laughed.

Drink lots of water.... wait for the diarrhea to end.

Monday, July 27, 2009

2009-07-29T21:07:00.000-05:00

R.I.P.

(the last of the hermit crabs died)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

2009-07-27T16:11:00.003-05:00

I admit it. Last week I got a tattoo. I am not really THAT interested in tattoos... I just had one that I thought I out-grew. Some would call it a "tramp stamp"...

I went to the tattoo place, and asked him if he could change it to "not a tramp stamp".

He did.

It isn't done yet, It still needs color... but I DO like it. It covers my entire back.... right up my spine.

Set Aside Saturday

2009-07-26T15:44:00.002-05:00

Talking to my sister on the phone.

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Starting to throw out LOTS and LOTS of unneeded mess.

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Hugging a friend for the first time in awhile.

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Talking to my April everyday.

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Finally getting warm enough to let the kids swim in the pool.

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Planning a family vacation to St. Louis.

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Relaxing on a Saturday night.... ;).

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Looking forward to having my husband off work for TWO weeks (house husband).

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Teaching my kids how to recycle.

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A visit to the pet store (again)... and coming home WITHOUT another pet.

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Friday, July 24, 2009

2009-07-25T20:36:00.000-05:00

My earlier blogs were sooooo much more meaningful, and from the heart. This weekend, I promise to sit down- and spill out some good ones. I promise. I really really do.

(I like crocheting plastic bags... hence another creation)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

2009-07-25T19:25:00.000-05:00

Kelsey cut and cut and cut all our plastic grocery bags into strips, looped them together, and rolled them into a ball - just so I could make this.....

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

2009-07-24T07:34:00.000-05:00

Craft Wednesday...

Not MY craft - but crafts my children created FOR me.

This is a picture of the front of my desk at work.

It changes ALL the time.... they are always making more...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

2009-07-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

Bailey is my middle child.

She is bossy, whiny, and knows how to "test" us.

She is also very good at cleaning, helping, and snuggling.

She is a "little mommy" already - and she will be a good one.

A very well rounded child...... well.... maybe more oval then round.

We love her.

Monday, July 20, 2009

2009-07-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

These past few blogs have been kinda boring. I haven't dug deep this week. I'll make up for it by posting some cute pics...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

2009-07-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

I took my Kelsey and my Bailey to my friend's "purse party". How interesting. I have been to other kinds of parties (i don't like them.. sorry), and even had a few of my own (i don't like to), but had never been to a purse party.

Kelsey and I both got one..... can you guess which one is MINE, and which one is HERS?

Set Aside Saturday

2009-07-20T16:18:00.000-05:00

Taking a Tuesday evening walk with Teague.

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Chatting with my sister on the phone.

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A picnic in the park with my family.

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Getting to enjoy TWO different parks in one week.

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Ice Cream.

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Visiting a Pet Store.... and buying nothing!

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Bonfire

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Asking my kids to join along with "Set Aside Saturday" - and realizing that we are all happy for the same reasons!

Friday, July 17, 2009

2009-07-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

Boy - I am glad this week is almost over! I did get REMINDED of something this past week: to enjoy my family - and be grateful that I have such a GREAT one!

Today we went GoKarting. I find it terrifying. It was Teague's first time driving one HIMSELF. He was finally tall enough (actually two inches below the line, they just let him go anyway)!

After GoKarting - we had a nice dinner at a REAL restaurant.

We needed it.... soooo much.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

2009-07-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

I love Pandora. It is an online radio station. All you do is put in your FAVORITE song..... and it FINDS SONGS YOU MIGHT LIKE!

If you don't like the the song it is playing - you can click on the "thumbs down" button - it moves on to another song, and never plays it again!

I LOVE IT.... and it is FREE!

You should try it.....http://www.pandora.com/

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

2009-07-15T15:16:00.000-05:00

I wanted to leave Wednesday to blog about my current craft project... but that last craft picture pretty much hasn't changed. I just haven't had the time - or the heart this week.

I want to talk about it - but I won't.

I want to retaliate - but I won't.

I want to stand up for myself - but I won't.

I want to respond IN SOME WAY - but I won't.

Instead, I am going to do nothing. My head hurts. My heart aches. My feelings are crushed. I am sad. My turtle shell is calling me.... wants me to crawl up inside, and not come out for awhile. I might do that. I am trying to look the other way....

I uploaded my "comfy picture" - one I have used before. It helps me.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

2009-07-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

Strange day.

I work really hard at being happy.

I have to remind myself not to let other's influence my mood.

Today my mood was influenced.

I wish she knew me.

Monday, July 13, 2009

2009-07-14T13:53:00.000-05:00

Working from 8AM until 10PM today. What to blog... what to blog.... I think I will refer you to my cousin's blog today. She inspires me. Have a good time reading - I really enjoy "sabbatical....09". It is everything blogging should be.

Follow this link: http://persephonesunset.blogspot.com/

Sunday, July 11, 2009

2009-07-13T09:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was such a relaxing day. After our pedicure - we lounged around outside, took a short nap, and then got Brooke all dolled up to see if we couldn't get any good snapshots to use as her senior pictures.

We spent two hours driving around - all of us, including Teague - finding the perfect locations for beautiful pictures. Everyone had input. It was a great collaboration of ideas.

It was one of the most fun days I have had in a long, long time. Brooke was so happy, and we ended up spending the entire evening putting them on her facebook and myspace accounts so she could see the comments from people. She can't wait to show the pictures to her mom, and I can't wait to get the feedback on how great they are.

I posted a few of my very favorites. I am going to see if I can get someone to "art" them up for us.

Set Aside Saturday

2009-07-13T09:10:00.000-05:00

THIS MADE ME HAPPY....

Kelsey finally got a boot for her severely sprained ankle - and physical therapy was started

***

I have had a clear head, and have been able to teach my children some valuable lessons this week

***

Teague's tooth is finally coming in

***

Bailey is taking on more responsibilities at home - and does a very good job

***

My husband was able to leave on a trip with his friend - he deserved time away

***

My Brooke came to stay with us for the weekend again

***

More alone time with Kelsey.... gotta love that!

***

Sticking with eating no meat.... my pants are getting looser, and I am not even trying to lose weight!

***

Kelsey, Bailey, Brooke, and I went to go get a pedicure, it was Brooke's first time - now we all have beautiful looking feet!

*********************

WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY THIS WEEK?

Friday, July 10, 2009

2009-07-13T09:07:00.000-05:00

My goodness, I had a busy day at work today. What are my plans for the weekend? Since my husband is going to be gone - I am picking up my niece, and we plan on having a "spoil ourselves" weekend.

Only happiness this weekend.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

2009-07-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

My husband is leaving tomorrow to go on a little "vacation" with his friend. They are driving to New Mexico to help with a rodeo.

Why do people look at me strange when I tell them this?

It annoys me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

2009-07-13T08:52:00.000-05:00

On Wednesdays - I think I will take a picture of the current "project" I am working on and blog about it. It might give me inspiration to finish it (I am really bad about NOT finishing things).

Currently I am crocheting a bag for my sister. I went to her house several months back with a bag that I made, using it as my own purse. Both my sisters asked for one. I don't know which sister this bag will go to - but since I have this "thing" about never making the same thing twice, I suppose I'll let them choose out of several I will make.

I don't have the patience to make the same thing twice - and it doesn't even interest me to do so. I crochet because I like to figure things out - and making the same pattern twice would be boring to me.

The above picture is what the bag looks like in its current condition. Hopefully by next Wednesday - it will be done, and I can show the finished project, along with the pattern.

Tuesday - July 7, 2009

2009-07-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

In the very bottom of my mom's hope chest there is an old wooden rolling pin. It is missing a handle. If you know my mom - you would also know that she must have kept it as a joke.

In my head - it was either a cheap yard sale find during a sisterly outing, or a broken kitchen utensil that one of her sisters gave her - but the story could really be ANYTHING. Either way - I know why she kept it.

I enjoy remembering how funny she was. She had such a good sense of humor. She could laugh at herself, and it always made people feel at ease. When meeting people new, she always figured out a way to make them see HER, and not just her missing arm.

Growing up, I didn't even know she only had one arm. Didn't everyone's mom look like that? I remember asking her if she could teach me "cats in the cradle" - and she just gave this smile, and told me to ask my sister.

Even to this day - I find myself using one hand for everything. My sisters do too, even some of my cousins do. We must have learned by watching her.

My kitchen is decorated with antique (old junky) kitchen utensils and items. I think I'll put this on display somehow. I'll enjoy being reminded of her when I am cooking.

Monday - July 6, 2009

2009-07-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

My mother's hope chest isn't just filled with the things that SHE saved, but the things that I have saved too. A merging of our lives as women and mothers.

I came across this note that I saved.

The summer that I had driver's ed was my mother's last summer. Usually we spent our entire summer in Ohio - but this summer was different. By this time, we knew that she was dying. Her going to Ohio was to spend some last moments with her family, and to be taken care of by her sisters. Since I had driver's ed - I had to stay in Iowa for a few weeks. She would not let me miss this class.

The morning that she left for Ohio, she gave me this note. I was fifteen, pregnant - and it was the first summer that we weren't making the trip together. By the time driver's ed was over, and I saw her again - she was so sick I barely recognized her.

This is MY note - to ME. Written in my mother's handwriting. The very first time she expressed love for the little baby Kelsey growing inside me.

Hope Chest

2009-07-08T09:24:00.000-05:00

I started going through the contents of my mother's hope chest today. It has supplied me with an endless amount of blog ideas. Inside that cedar chest contains everything that was precious to my mother - at least things that she felt was important enough to save. Some of the things I know the story behind - most I don't. I wish she was here to tell me every story behind everything that is in it.

My favorite thing to go through is the cards and letters. Especially the ones from my father to my mother. When I read them, I can picture my mother as a woman. A woman - not my mother. Even though my mother and my father divorced, the cards reveal that at one time, they had a true love. A romantic love. A love that wasn't lost due to the changing of feelings - but a love that was fought for, and remained, during the changing of circumstance. Life changes pulled them apart - not fading love.

I find it sad. Not sad because I am the child that wishes her mother and father never divorced, but sad for the woman my mother was. The hard decisions she had to have made to be able to take her four children - and leave a man she loved. All because of alcoholism.

She was a woman who must have been torn between the man that loved her, the man underneath the disease - and teaching her children about the responsibility of being a mother.

The choice of wife or mother.

Wife or Mother?

She chose mother.

I love her.

Set Aside Saturday

2009-07-07T15:14:00.001-05:00

This week, I am happy because:

Kelsey's foot is only severely sprained, not broken.

My husband and I both had Friday off.

***

The upstairs hallway window was easily fixed.

I decided to go off my vegetarian diet long enough to eat the "famous Mt. Hamill chicken" - and I didn't enjoy it, which means I am officially vegetarian.

***

I got to hug Ohioans.

I found wonderful old cards and letters in my mom's hope chest.

***

I spent the holiday with MY family.

The fireworks were beautiful - even though it was kinda raining.

***

My guts stopped hurting.

****

Friday Fun

2009-07-07T14:49:00.000-05:00

When I opened up my mother's hope chest today - I saw this hat laying right on top. It is being modeled by Miss Bellaluna.

It is part of a Halloween costume that she had made for me when I was small. I went as "Half Pint".

I had freckles - and everyone always commented on how much I looked like Laura Ingalls Wilder.

I LOVED that costume.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW!

2009-07-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

When my mom moved us to Iowa, we seemed to have visitors all the time. Our Ohio family would visit for a random weekend, or for weeks at a time in the summer. It never waived - it continued on like that for the entire 7 years my mom lived here.

In 1995, when my mother died - the visits dwindled down, and I can count them all on one hand.

After growing up with such a large extended family being around all the time - it is a strange transition to being an adult and not sharing my daily life with family, besides the few and far between visits with my sisters.

A little over 2 years ago, my husband and I bought a big, beautiful house. We worked HARD for it, and continue to do so. I have been waiting to be able to share it with my extended family. This weekend I get my chance.

I have some of my Ohio family coming to spend the weekend in MY HOUSE! My first visit since 2001. The first visit my children will be able to remember. We can share our lives, our home, and our things. We can be us in our own environment.

I can actually FEEL my mom more then anything now - and I will get to feel it all until Sunday.... She is smiling.

Get Your Button!

2009-07-01T15:05:00.001-05:00

I made a button!

All by myself!

Still working on it... give me time...

2009-06-30T15:36:00.000-05:00

This daily blog thing isn't what I thought it would be. I figured that I could be creative with every single picture on every single day. It isn't that easy. I like to write, but I don't LOVE it. I do it more for the therapeutic benefits more then anything. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing the compliments on my blog, and just knowing that it gets read is satisfying to me.

I got an email a few days ago from my Uncle Dale letting me know that he reads my blog, and enjoys it. I found that very validating. I also kicked myself in the butt for not doing the Father's Day blog that I had planned on doing. It was actually about all the father figures in my life - and he is definitely one of them. If I had known he was a reader - I would have finished it! Maybe I still will.

My creativity seems to come from my experiences with my mother. I worry about sounding like a broken record. As I have said before, that was MY defining moment. Everything that is my life now is because of that time in my life. That ONE year. 1995. Even the title of my blog - "From August until November" is about THAT TIME in 1995.

Eventually I will sit down, and just write it out. Who cares if I sound like a broken record!

Smile! It is Monday!

2009-06-29T13:48:00.000-05:00

I know that there’s no denying evolution. Religion aside, it’s plain & simple science. No matter what, if any, higher power you believe in, you just can’t (or shouldn’t) blindly ignore science. It is our duty as parents to teach our children the facts about this big planet that we live on.

I like it. You might too. http://www.charliesplayhouse.com/

DANG!!!!!!!!

2009-06-29T11:43:00.000-05:00

There is no killing a Yucca Bush. I have tried to dig it up, spray it with chemicals, and burn it. IT WON'T DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Set Aside Saturday

2009-06-29T11:31:00.000-05:00

This past week seemed like a long one. These are the things that made me happy:

*Father's Day was relaxing - and it was shared with my children, my husband, and my niece*

*self-made lemon shake ups (or husband made)*

*hugged my sister on Monday*

*spent alone time with Kelsey*

*I still have a baby boy that likes to snuggle*

*an evening watching my Lexi while her mother did the "books" for a ball game*

*our baby Lexi turned ONE - and although we missed her party, we spent alone time with her after it was over*

*being able to enjoy our pool*

*one week closer to a family visit on the 4th of July weekend*

*spending quality time with my EMS family*

Internet....

2009-06-26T14:32:00.000-05:00

My children discovered YOUTUBE.

They thought it was a terrific find - and was quick to "introduce" it to me.

Just like they "introduced" me to several other things in life they didn't think I knew about.

Including (but not limited to):

"Boys are from Jupiter to get more stupider, and girls are from Mars to get more candy bars"

playing the string game - and creating a "cats cradle"

the additional ending to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

that silly paper folding kids game - you know the one "pick a number - pick a color - and viola, you know who you are going to marry!"

Listen to the crying baby....

2009-06-26T11:38:00.001-05:00

I work in town - a mere few blocks from my home. I am lucky that way. I also have a 13 year old (responsible) daughter. What does this equal? I get away without hiring a babysitter for the summer!

Yesterday, my baby boy kept calling me at work. He was CRYING that his sisters were being MEAN to him. Usually the "being mean" consists of them not playing with him, or telling him to pick up his toys - so I didn't worry much about it. I gently kept telling him that I would be home for lunch.

Last night I was thumbing through the pictures on my cell phone, which I usually leave at home during the day - and stumbled across this one. When I asked him about it, he said "I TOLD you they were being mean to me!!!!!!!"

Ooops. I guess this is what happens when you are the youngest, and only have sisters.

(My husband warned me not to share this photo with ANYONE!)

2009-06-25T10:20:00.000-05:00

For years I have concentrated on my MENTAL health. I needed to get my brain to a place that I could be... HAPPY and secure in my life. I grew up with little self-esteem, and I always thought it was about how I looked. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized it had NOTHING to do with that.

I am at a point in my life where I could EASILY let myself weigh 300 pounds, and be HAPPY. I have 3 healthy kids, and a loving husband - a husband that tells me how much I mean to him everyday (sometimes toooo often).

Now that I have happiness under control (kinda) - I am going to work on HEALTHY. Not weight-loss. Just HEALTHY. I can only tackle one thing at a time, and weight-loss kinda seems like an inflated thing to think about. Healthy is important.

Cancer in one of my biggest health risks, and fears - so I decided the best thing to get started with this life change is to give up meat. Easy. Just meat. I'll still eat eggs and milk - and won't refuse to eat meat, I just won't cook it in my home, or order it when we eat out. One simple change to start off with.

My husband is (kinda) on board with the idea - my children are not. My oldest daughter even threw a tiny little teenage baby fit. UNTIL - she ate the first dinner. She didn't even miss the meat. My youngest two told me that they will refuse to stop eating hot dogs.

We will see how this goes - but I will not let myself be disappointed if we change our mind a few weeks, or even days from now. I WILL NOT (at this time in my life) set myself up for disappointment - I'll just let myself be grateful for the time we were able to do it.

Dinner Day #1: Cornbread, covered in black beans and pepper cheese, with corn on the cob for a side. YUMMM!

Tuesday

2009-06-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

Hermit Crabs

Are Dangerous

6/22/2009

2009-06-24T14:08:00.000-05:00

Gross.

And strangely beautiful.

I am thinking of tinting it a different color and selling it as ART.

2009-06-22T10:58:00.000-05:00

Father's Day

In my extended family - we aren't a "father" type family. We are MOTHERS. All the fathers were either non-existent or learned to be quiet. Most of them left. A female dominated family. There were a FEW men that stick out in my head as being IMPORTANT to me while I was growing up.

The most important? My very own step-father, Joe.

He was my mother's 3rd husband - and her last. He married my mom when I was in the 2nd grade. He knew his place with our relationship, and didn't push it at all, and our relationship didn't flourish until after my mother died. He earned my respect by stepping up to the plate and becoming a parent to my sisters and I.

You would have never known he wasn't our DAD during this time. He loved us. He loved our children. He was present at the birth of my youngest, and took all the pictures during that day. He was sooooo proud.

Joe flew me to Colorado so I could be with my sister when she was giving birth to her first child. He made all the arrangements. He flew over himself just a few weeks later.

A GOOD Grandpa.

Holidays were his thing. He kinda went overboard, with BIG meals, and creating traditions. Once he even had Santa Clause ride a 4-wheeler to his house with a trailer full of presents. Lots and Lots of presents.

He came to the kid's concerts, Grandparent days, and even helped with Kelsey's first day of kindergarten - because I was in the hospital having Teague.

A GOOD Dad. My only true parent I had left.

One evening - my pager went off. "Farmington EMTs, you are needed at the Joe Looker residence for an unresponsive male."

I was already at the ambulance building for a meeting - so I climbed into the front seat of the rig. My fellow EMTs begged me to get out - I wouldn't, so we took off.

I cried the entire way there. I was hearing, "Don't cry, get a hold of yourself, you don't even know what it IS!"

We pulled into the driveway to a Bonaparte First Responder giving the "death" signal.

Joe was dead.

I was crying.

I felt alone.

My EMT family stayed close all evening. They stayed with me while I called my sisters. They stayed until the coroner came to pick him up, and they stayed to clean up the house and lock it up.

I miss Joe. He was a GOOD Dad. The BEST one. I loved him.

Set Aside Saturday

2009-06-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

(Forgive me - I am writing this at midnight, with my cellphone)

I am setting aside one day a week to blog about the good things that happened to me during the week prior. This will help me (hopefully) learn to be more positive, and thankful for what I have.

I chose Saturday, because it is (of course!) the end of the week - and a day I would actually have time to sit and concentrate on it. In doing this- I encourage you to do it too! What a great way to end the week, and to step out on the right feeling for the next. You can write it down - just think about it - or even put it in my comment section to share.

Set Aside Saturday:

A wonderful week long visit with my niece, Brooke.

Setting up a pool that was given to us for free.

Using the fire pit.

Taking my niece and my children to several outside concerts - and getting into the VIP section twice for free.

The nice man that looked at my sweet Bailey and let us ride the Ferris Wheel for free.

Learning of a family visit for the 4th of July.

Coming home from work to a clean house - a surprise from my children and niece.

Being able to wear a shoe.

Having only a slight injury in the family during a storm that blew through town. (Brooke and a bruised elbow from the basement door)

My son's sunburn is healing - and nobody popped his blisters.

Having the strength to just leave the "dysfunctional family" picnic instead of using negative words when negativity was expressed to my immediate family.

-----------------------------------------------------

REMEMBER - try to give yourself credit sometimes (instead of a higher power) for the GOOD things that happen. There is no shame in taking credit in your own hard work.

2009-06-19T11:26:00.000-05:00

Father's Day is in two days.

You remember that the entire WEEK of Mother's Day - I posted blogs that my MOTHER wrote, or things that I wrote ABOUT her?

I suppose you expect me to do the same thing for Father's Day.

The truth is... my parents divorced when I was very young, and we moved to Iowa. When my parents were together, my dad was a drunk, so my memories of him during those times are NOT the best.

I remember these GOOD things:

scratchy kisses from his beard

great big bear hugs

letting me stay up late

taking me to the movies (even though he snored during them)

the baby picture he kept of me in his wallet

After we moved - we barely had any relationship at all. I DO know that during the first several years he tackled his alcoholism and WON. He stopped smoking, and started RUNNING. He concentrated on his music, and met and married his current wife.

Today, my dad lives in Florida (most of the time) in his RV, so his wife and him can travel the US. He still runs, and has taken up a new hobby - carving.

I talk to him approximately 2-3 times a year, and see him even less. My Father's Day resolution is to be a BETTER daughter. He is the only parent I have left.

Concert!!! In this heat?!

2009-06-19T11:16:00.001-05:00

Last night was even HOTTER then the day before. Hot enough that we all felt sick. Why we went to an outside concert - I don't know. We even got there two hours early to get a good place. I guess it was worth it - my two daughters, and my niece had a GOOD TIME.

If you look carefully, you might see Rodney Atkins on that stage behind them.

Summer

2009-06-18T11:19:00.000-05:00

It just doesn't feel like summer until the air is so thick that you can't breath.

Today was the first day of that. Summer is HERE.

Notice I didn't put any exclamation points behind that last sentence.

We turned on the air conditioner, put the pool up, and cooked supper on the fire pit today.

Why did we build a fire on such a hot day?

Don't know.

Do you see what I see?

2009-06-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

Well, do you?

You might see a very handsome sleeping boy.

You might see a very cute sleeping puppy.

You might see the boy using the puppy as a pillow.

You might even see the sloppy looking couch.

Do you know what I see?

The DANG temporary tattoo STILL stuck to my child's arm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DISLIKE those things! I am bothered by them. I think they look tacky and disgusting. I am getting out the baby oil tonight and tackling it.

Monday

2009-06-16T10:38:00.000-05:00

Daily blogging.

Makes me AWARE of what is going on in my life. Before - I just breezed on by, letting things happen around me. Now, I actually SEE everything. Every tiny thing could be an interesting thing to write about - which makes me REMEMBER more.

Last night - Kelsey had a softball game. It was her first HOME game of the year. Always before she played town ball - in the town field. This year she plays Middle School ball - in the SCHOOL field. The school that her Grandmother, Aunt, Uncles, Dad, and I graduated from.

There was a point in the game when a major NOISE became distraction for the team, and the fans.

Cows.

Cows were literally 20 feet from the home plate. They were behind their fence - but still, quite loud. This isn't unusual for our little school. It is located with farm fields on all 4 sides of it. Something we are very use to.

Before - this wouldn't even have made me think, let alone REMEMBER that moment. Now I am PROUD and happy that my children have this experience. This school - even with its financial issues, and its current hard times - is still a GOOD school. Safe. Close knit. Parents working together, cheering together. Happy.

Happy kids.

Happy cows.

Sunday

2009-06-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

Strawberry Festival.

I am always soooooo busy that weekend. We do try to squeeze in a few fun activities for the kids.

Today - Bailey decided to enter our dog in the "Berry Good Dog Show".

At the last minute she backed out- so my niece Brooke did it.

It was HILARIOUS and she did a GREAT job! She even taught our dog to play dead when she said bang. A trick he learned in 10 minutes.

Finnley didn't win - but we didn't tell him that.

Saturday

2009-06-15T15:43:00.001-05:00

Today I am going to "primp" for the first time in....... thinking....... thinking........ A VERY LONG TIME.

I have never ever felt the need to. The people in my life love me, and think I am beautiful - JUST THE WAY I AM. That is such a feeling of comfort!

Friday

2009-06-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

I had a good conversation with my cousin today about my anxiety over the upcoming weekend. I have several things planned - and one thing in particular has causes me much (stomachrollingheadsweatingwanttopassoutsickenss) anxiety.

I WANT to look forward to this. I WANT to not worry about it. I WANT to just be able to be ME around these people. I have never been able to be ME around these people - and it makes me sad.

Anyway - I asked for advice. I learned LOTS from our conversation and I wanted to get it written down while it was still fresh in my memory - so I can use it as a reference. Our conversation follows:

Me: "I am anxious."

Cousin: "I am sorry that you have DRAMA in your life like I have it in mine. I KNOW that VOICE in the head that says maybe it ISN'T a big deal. I will NOT put myself in a situation again when I know there will be an issue - I will avoid it all costs - even if it makes me look like I am psycho. That is all I can tell you. It is YOUR JOB to make YOURSELF comfortable in this life. That's all you can do."

Me: "I always feel like I am the one to get blamed for things that go wrong."

Cousin: "Look. I love you with all my heart...but, my friend is the same way as you....getting all worked up BEFORE situations. I think that you are addicted to THAT adrenaline... of being NERVOUS before you even do anything. I mean no offense but that's what it LOOKS like."

Me: "Probably - but I don't MEAN to!"

Cousin: "I refuse to do that things are BAD ENOUGH already. Usually. I just look at it for WHAT IT IS and WHAT YOU WOULD DO and KNOW That instead of WONDERING take CHARGE of YOUR life - not anyone elses.

Me: "True."

Cousin: "You are really the only one that matters."

Me: "I agree."

Cousin: "My husband taught me that...I am supposed to be COMFORTABLE and THEN do stuff. What else is the use. i didn't KNOW THAT because all my life was a knotted up jumble of nerves. I was once told that I should look the other way for special occasions no matter WHAT anyone has done to them. I don't believe that. If WHATEVER it is that the people you are with do to upset you, then that is THEM being dumb asses. NOT YOU and your reaction needs to be one that YOU are COMFORTABLE with, not WORRIED about."

Me: "Thank you.... I feel better.... I really DO."

Cousin: "Good! You should! No matter whether you are RIGHT or WRONG or POLITICALLY CORRECT you MUST be COMFORTABLE FIRST or it is all NEGATIVE ANYWAY and once you can master COMFORTABLE FIRST you can move onto COMFORTABLE DURING and meet the "goal" of COMFORTABLE AFTER and BEFORE NEXT TIME."

It is all true. Thank you. I will work on it.

THURSDAY

2009-06-11T15:03:00.000-05:00

Remember as a kid - moving your arm up and down at the truckers to get them to HONK HONK?

Kids still do that.

HONK

WEDNESDAY

2009-06-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

Dang - I was tired today. I even took a nap when I got home from work.

I have a love/hate relationship with naps.

I LOVE to take them - I HATE to waste the time.

After contemplating a healthy meal of baked sweet potatoes and green beans that were canned from last years garden - I ended up cooking Hamburger Helper.

I was TIRED.

2009-06-11T14:42:00.001-05:00

Well....

We have two dogs.

I am NOT a dog lover.

AT ALL.

I DO like MY dogs. (at least one of them)

Dog lover, or not, you have to admit - that this picture is adorable.

This dog sleeps like this every night - and WILL NOT WAKE UP until morning. No matter how much noise is made.

MONDAY

2009-06-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

I have almost posted and deleted the same blog probably 10 times. I just don't have the guts to post it. I am ashamed of myself for having anxiety over it. To be truthful - it isn't about anything HORRIBLE. Just something I believe. I just hate to be judged - and it is a tender topic. Maybe someday I'll just bite down and DO IT. Not today.

The thing about me is.... I really CARE about what people think of me. I think we all do. It wasn't until I had a teenager when it really started to hit me. When I was growing up - I didn't live in an atmosphere of having parents that "went out" or even left me with a sitter on the weekend. I just didn't. I don't even LIKE the thought of leaving my kids with others. I would just rather be HOME. I have to BE THE PERSON that I want THEM to be. I have to BE THE PARENT that I want THEM to be to my grandchildren.

Grandchildren.

DID YOU KNOW - that if my DAUGHTER falls in MY footsteps - I could be a grandmother in 3 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (It won't happen - I am all over THAT issue!)

SUNDAY

2009-06-10T09:24:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you have a bum foot - and have to keep it elevated?

I make ugly doilies to use up ugly colored string.

Any takers? HA HA

(it looks white and blue - but it is really GREEN and blue)

SATURDAY

2009-06-09T14:42:00.000-05:00

Today we had a very family oriented day. My husband and I have been wanting to make a beautiful handmade fire pit for a long long time. We actually have several boulders that we have been saving JUST for that purpose.

After selecting a perfect place, Dirk started to dig the hole. Kelsey and I started to carry boulders. One particular boulder was very huge, so we both started to carry it across the yard. We were laughing because Kelsey's pants started to fall down.... and.... then.... BAM!

We dropped the boulder.

On my right foot.

I felt SEARING PAIN SHOOTING DOWN MY FOOT AND OUT MY TOES! BLOOD DRIPPED DOWN!

Tears started streaming - bawling could be heard. From.... Kelsey.

My poor Kelsey was sad that she accidentally hurt her mama. What a DEAR HEART! I love her. Some children MURDER their PARENTS - and MINE feels do much GUILT out of an accident that she is hysterically bawling.

I must have done something right!

(a broken foot bone with strange leakage- and one large ER bill)